Wednesday, August 04, 2004
Jugg-her-not
Another beautiful day in the neighborhood....
Noun
1.
juggernaut - a massive inexorable force that seems to crush everything in its way
Juggernaut - a crude idol of Krishna
graven image, idol, god - a material effigy that is worshipped as a god; "thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image"; "money was his god"....(breasts seem to be my boyfriend's God)
What's in a tit? Apparently there is much ado about tits. Not normal sized breasts, but the huge, almost ugly, pendulous things. The ones that Penny's, Walmart and K mart will never carry a bra size to fit. My boyfriend of nearly 5 years has an obsession with these kinds of breasts. He spends hours everyday searching the internet for pics and movies of women with huge mammaries. Now I am not flat chested but I'm only a B cup, so it goes without saying ( but I'm gonna say it anyway) that his obsession for this type of sexual stimulation has become a "massive inexorable force" that is "crushing" my ego and self esteem. Now you will probably ask "why don't you just tell him that it hurts you?" I have told him, many times. He explains it away by saying things like" I don't really look that much" ( the dozen or so new pics saved in his files everyday proves that to be a lie) or he says " I don't really 'like' breasts like that, I just like to look". Ok, let me see if I can get this straight...people that don't like certain things, spend countless hours subjecting themselves to images of those certain things they don't like? Maybe he is conducting aversion therapy on himself? yeah, that's the ticket. Freud would have his hands full ( no pun here) with this theory. Maybe Freud would say " I think your boyfriend ,perhaps suffers because his mother refused to nurse him as an infant, therefore he obsesses over the abnormal breasts because he secretly longs to be nursed by his mother". Ok well that's just gross any way you slice it. Anyhoo...back to me. Because of this ongoing problem, this juggernaut has steamed rolled right over me. I feel very unbeautiful. The site of women with breasts larger than me makes me angry. If my boyfriend and I are out together and I see one of these women, I immediately feel threatened by them. I don't even like for him to see me naked anymore because I feel like he is always comparing me to the pics he looks at everyday. He is aware of how I feel, I have told him what this has done to me. I love this man with all of my heart ,but he refuses to try to see what this is doing to me as a woman. His response to this rant will be anger and denial...No surprise to me but I feel better for having "dumped" instead of "stuffing". The way I see it, if I can suffer his obsession,( and he doesn't give a rats ass) he can suffer my need to vent about it. At least this blog isn't saved to the hard drive where I can pull it up again and again and masturbate to it.
Madd~ness